The buyer’s market

Money

 

News Headline: “Democrats funded by billionaires complain about Republicans funded by billionaires.”
And who says bipartisanship is dead?

News Headline: “Candidate passes kidney stone during campaign debate.”
So at least one politician now understands how voters feel.

News Headline: “How negativity can make you happier.”
Not likely.

News Item: “Editors at the American Scholar magazine have chosen their 10 favorite sentences from fiction and nonfiction works. . . .”
And inexplicably left out this from Raymond Chandler:
“It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick out a stain-glassed window.”
OK. So it’s not quite exactly a sentence.
So try this:
“She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.”
Raymond Chandler was a compelling writer.

News Headline: “Shots fired at Ukrainian air force base in Crimea blocked by Russians.”
Maybe it’s best to stick with diplomacy if bullets bounce off them.

News Headline: “Does welfare make people lazy?”
News Headline: “Is homework making your child sick?”
News Headline: “Is the Internet making politics more dysfunctional?”
News Headline: “Can fear of cancer keep college kids from binge drinking?”
No, no, yes, no.
See how easy?

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . suffered a spinal-chord injury. . . .”
News Item: “. . . and cut the baby’s umbilical chord. . . .”
B.P., a Chicago reader, says all we need is a good drummer, and we can make some real music.

Continue Reading

Merrily we roll along


Russian Threat
News Headline:
 
“Obama says he’s more worried about the possibility of ‘nuclear bomb going off in Manhattan’ than Russian threat.”
This being what passes for a reassurance these days.

News Headline: “Launch of secret spy satellite delayed.”
The U.S. National Reconnaissance Office may want to revisit the concept of “secret.”

News Headline: “Five percent of people have checked Facebook during sex, says survey.”
Status: Out of a Relationship.

The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
A 9-year-old girl who, with her parents’ permission, shaved her head in support of a friend who had lost her hair to childhood cancer was suspended by Caprock Academy in Colorado because her shaved head was in violation of the school’s “detailed dress code policy.”

News Headline: “Montgomery County carjacking linked to airline disappearance in Asia.”
Nice try, headline writer.

News Headline: “Naked man tells police he’s making tree ‘his home’ after climbing 40 feet up.”
As reasonable response as any to the news of the day.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “Resistance is futile: The AP will now accept ‘over’ as a synonym for ‘more than.’ ”
Sorry, Associated Press.
QT used to love you, but it’s all more than now.


WRITE TO QT:  
zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

Looking for a way to support QT?
This can be
done here

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

 


Continue Reading

TL;DR

Twitter
News Item:
“Twitter CEO Dick Costolo is to meet Shanghai government officials, academics and students in his first visit to China, signaling Twitter’s i–”
Sorry.
Not  enough characters allowed to complete a thought. . . .

News Item: “. . . from a museum that says humans co-existed with dinosaurs. . . .”
Or should we dismiss creationist theory so quickly?.
We sometimes forget it was subject to peer review by both Fred and Wilma.

The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
A senior at Ashtabula Technical High School in Ohio was expelled because a folding knife issued for his training as an emergency medical technician was found in an EMT medical vest in the trunk of his car.

News Headline: “Paris Hilton celebrates St. Patrick’s day in a plunging green dress.”
Can it be 2,462 days since Paris Hilton announced she was leaving public life?
Not that anyone is counting.

QT Early Warning System:
Twelve days remain until National Stress Awareness Month.
Have you been preparing for it?
Time is running out.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “A new window on the Big Bang has been opened.”
News Headline: “Big Bang’s smoking gun found.”
News Headline: “Scientists see fingerprint of Big Bang.”
Then again, after 13.8 billion years, we still can’t agree on a metaphor.


WRITE TO QT:  
zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

Looking for a way to support QT?
This can be
done here

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

When we don’t have a prayer

God


News Headline:
“Bill Maher on Noah: God was a ‘psychotic mass murderer.’ ”
Let’s not go overboard here.
Considering the Old Testament, more like a case of narcissistic sociopathy.

News Headline: “Collapse of civilization is coming–NASA study.”
Not a study to worry us.
Hey. It’s not as if we’re dealing with rocket scientists here.

News Headline: “Congressman estimates ‘5 or 10’ members of Congress smoke weed.”
News Headline: “House GOP holds 51st anti-Obamacare vote.”
Figure the weed-smokers are Democrats.
Republicans seem to prefer crystal meth.

C.T., a Chicago reader, writes:
“A week ago last Friday you told us that as far as asteroids were concerned, ‘nothing is coming near us this weekend.’ Then you added, ‘that we know of.’  Then on Friday you told us Asteroid 2014 EX24 came between Earth and the moon that weekend only to be discovered three days later. Then you told us nothing was coming near us this weekend ‘that we know of.’ Well? Did anything come near us this weekend?”
Not that we know of.

News Headline: “Suicide bomber misfires while parking, kills only himself.”
What kind of times do we live in?
Hope you enjoyed Today’s Chuckle.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
M.B., a Chicago reader, having seen an Internet posting that referred to itself as the start of a “collective constructive exchange,” wants to know when chain letters became collective constructive exchanges, and when can we have chain letters back?
Good question.
Pass it on.

LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

I love it when you talk cosmic

Cosmos
We Have Seen the Present, and It Does Not Work:
The TV science series “Cosmos ” is rated PG, in part for “suggestive dialogue.”

News Headline: “Climate change talkathon: Democratic senators pull all-nighter.”
Bringing new formality and protocols to everybody talking about the weather, but nobody doing anything about it.

News Headline: “The CIA torture cover-up.”
Note to anywhere else in the world:
Maybe sometimes it’s best to avert your eyes from the Shining City Upon a Hill.

News Headline: “Quinn, looking to fall, names campaign manager.”
Joe Mitzenmacher, a River Forest, Ill., reader, wonders why the candidate doesn’t look for a manager who will keep him upright.

Sarah Palin on geopolitics and foreign relations:
“Mr. President, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.”
QT thought of paraphrasing here.
But it didn’t want to oversimplify.

Today’s Birthdays: Jesse “Lone Cat” Fuller, 118; Tony “Two-Ton” Galento, 103; Sammy “Sammy Bull” Gravano, 69;  Rich “Svengoolie” Koz, 62.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
W.S., a Chicago reader, writes:
“Now that you’ve sorted out ‘disinterested’ and ‘uninterested,’ what about ‘unbelievable’ and ‘incredible’? The two words have the same definition but these days ‘unbelievable’ seems to mean ‘not believable’ while ‘incredible’ seems to mean ‘really good.’ How does this happen?”
These usages differ from place to place.
For example, in the cloisters of the University of Chicago you will sometimes hear students saying, “Wow! Incogitable!”
Or maybe you won’t.

 

LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be
done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

The dangers that lurk

Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association describing the world around us:
“There are terrorists and home invaders and drug cartels and car-jackers and knock-out gamers and rapers, haters, campus killers, airport killers, shopping mall killers, road-rage
killers. . . .”
. . . for those keeping track of key pockets of NRA support.

News Headline: “Arizona lawmaker: ‘I’m gay, Latino and a state senator.’ ”
Hats off to him.
It can take courage for a man to announce he’s an Arizona state senator.

News Headline: “It’s time to increase the size of the House.”
Wait.
You mean we’d have more of them?

News Item: “For the second day in a row, a space rock is going to zip close by Earth within the orbit of the moon. . . .”
That would be Asteroid 2014 EC, which was discovered Wednesday and came close  Thursday.
It followed Asteroid 2014 DX110, which was discovered Monday and came close  Wednesday.
Which isn’t to mention Asteroid 2014 EF, which was discovered hours before it came close  Thursday, just behind 2014 EC.
But rest easy.
Nothing is coming near us this weekend.
That we know of.

Dave Carr, an Owen Sound, Ontario, reader, regarding QT’s complaint about the headline “”Ukraine’s currency plunge nothing more than ‘Crimea River,’ ” writes:
“Shouldn’t it be ‘Crimea Hryvnia?’ ”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

News Headline: “Boston Public Schools recall free condoms after complaints about suggestive wrappers.”
A good catch.
Now Boston’s teenagers won’t be tempted to think about sex.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “Five facts about Daylight Savings Time.”
S.O., a Washington D.C. reader, wants you to know that one of the five facts is that it’s not Daylight Savings Time, but Daylight Saving Time.

 

LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be
done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

Life goes on. . . .

News Headline: “Global terrorism increasing.”
News Headline: “Climate change raises risk of species extinction.”
News Headline: “NASA says four of 715 newly discovered planets found might support life.”
And maybe one of those can get it right.

News Headline: “Senate GOP blocks veterans benefits bill.”
And isn’t it time we stopped throwing money at these freeloaders?

News Headline: “Donald Trump’s advice for Obama.”
All right. Let’s see.
Money + Cliff Clavin =

News Headline: “Health tip: Drinking live pig’s blood may cause worms in your brain.”
Consider yourself warned.

Cully Johnston, a Chicago reader, regarding news that Apple has shown interest in the car business, leading QT to wonder about possible Microsoft cars, writes:
“Heaven forbid trying to get the windows to work.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

News Headline: “Crocodiles can climb trees, study finds.”
News Headline: “Surfing crocodile closes Australian beach.”
We may want to keep a closer eye on stirrings in the crocodile community.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
S.L., a Chicago reader, wants you to know that “dour” rhymes with “fewer.”
Which reminds QT that “scone” rhymes with “gone.”
And can we remind ourselves too often that “err” rhymes with “fur”?
QT will continue to inveigle here.
Which rhymes with “beagle.”


LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be
done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

Work hard, play hard

 

News Headline: “George W. Bush’s paintings are getting their own exhibit.”
As you’ll recall, he did some of his best work into corners.

News Headline: “Arizona Senate: Business owners can cite religion to refuse service to gays.”
R.M.., a Las Vegas reader, writes:
“If a locomotive engineer has a religion that says drinking alcohol is a sin, can he refuse to move a train carrying barley to a malting house that makes malt to be  sold to breweries to make beer?”
Yes.
And then he can go back to peeking into bedrooms.

QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
Qantas, which recently gave its CEO $1 million in bonuses, is preparing a major layoff of workers to cut costs.

Kentucky Democratic senatorial candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes regarding charges that she is an “empty dress”:
“That’s about as accurate as Mitch McConnell being a Chippendale dancer–”
Wait!
Do not let yourself visualize this.
Too late?
Sorry.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Jack Finarelli, a Falls Church, Va., reader, writes:
“You recently informed us that a hamlet is a village without a church. So what is a village without an idiot?”
Hard to say. It varies with Ted Nugent’s travel plans.
An imbecile is smarter than an idiot, but not as smart as a moron, as long as we’re at it.


LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

The audacity of inattention

News Headline: “Nun, 84, gets 3 years in prison for nuclear protest.”
News Headline: “Five years after Wall Street collapse, why is no one in jail?”
Because President Obama’s Justice Department is too busy prosecuting nuns, evidently.

News Headline: “Apple getting into the car business?”
A Microsoft car might be more exciting.
Never know when it was going to stop suddenly for no apparent reason.

T.M, a New York City reader, regarding QT’s wondering if the case of a man cited for carrying an AK-47 while dressed as a banana might be won on a peel, writes:
“Any judge who lets this mango should be impeached.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =
A man being arrested for assault in Livingston, Texas, asked police to “hold on a second” because he needed to get his crack pipe.

News Headline: “Snake-handling pastor dies after refusing treatment for snake-bite.”
News Headline: “Faith-healing couple sent to prison for death of second son.”
Prison is a solution.
Or why not simply require all faith-healers to handle snakes?

QT Modern Corporate Gibberish of the Week:
Optum has acquired Audax.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . hoisted by his own petard. . . .”
R.K., a Chicago reader wants you to know that a person isn’t hoisted by his own petard, but “hoist with his own petard.”
Ask William Shakespeare.
Or any petardier.


LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be
done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading

While supplies last. . . .

News Headline: “U.S. faces clown shortage.”
News Headline: “Is Congress taking too much recess?”
Evidently.

A Canadian sports columnist on an upset of the Canadians in Olympic ice dancing:
“Strip away the sequins, wipe off the pancake makeup, delete the frozen-in-place smiles, and what’s left is a tawdry whore of a sport where the judges are the johns.”
Yes, but it’s such a graceful tawdry whore of a sport.

News Headline: “Kansas lawmakers propose anti-gay bill.”
News Headline: “Kansas bill would allow spanking that leaves marks.”
We already know that Kansas Republicans take a dim view of gay sex.
But don’t interfere with their S&M.

News Headline: “Sheriff’s deputy shoots man with machete.”
L.M., a Denver reader, wonders if the deputy knew the machete was loaded.

News Headline: “Insurance denies life-saving treatment for Md. man.”
The good news is we’re still staying clear of socialized medicine and the death panels.

News Headline: “11 naughty-sounding scientific names (and what they really mean): From Turdus Maximus to Pinus Rigida.”
Depend on QT to keep you up to date on science news.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
+ Bill Bouxsein, a Princeton, Ill., reader, regarding another reader’s noting that TV pundits seem to begin all their answers with the word “So,” writes:
“The word is ‘Look.’ Look, look at these shows, if you doubt me.”
+ Turning to the weather, T.F., a Luxemburg, Wis., reader, writes:
” ‘When all is said and done. . . .’ At what point were TV weathermen required to start using this phrase in describing the predicted results of a storm? What happened to ‘when it’s over’?”
So, look, when all is said and done. . . .


LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SUPPORT QT?
This can be
done here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Continue Reading