A warning for the Senate

News Headline: “Senate holds second all-night session as Republicans protest.”
The Senate should be careful.
Sleep deprivation can cause impaired judgment and delusional behavior.
Oh. Right.
Never mind.

News Headline: “Three large truths obscured by Republican Obamacare lies.”
News Headline: “Obama health care promise named ‘Lie of the Year.’ ”
Or do you have something against bipartisanship?

News Headline: “Harvard researchers discover mortality benefits of nut consumption.”
News Headline: “Fox News dominates November cable TV news ratings.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

News Headline: “Earthquake expert: ‘Imagine America without Los Angeles.’ ”
But is there a downside?

News Headline: “Vanity Fair looks back at 100 years.”
Vanity Fair ceased publication between 1936 and 1983.
M.M., an Atlanta reader, says we can add centuries to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.

QTT New E-Book Novel  60606, Which Has Been Called Suspenseful and Hilarious and Can Be Purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, Name Your Price, Update:
No update today.

News Headline: “Knife-wielding Santa robs post office.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

Beware the ides of National Stress-Free Holiday Month.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Rich Rzadzki, a Chicago reader, writes:
“Noticed something the other day that occurs too often. It’s the misuse of  ‘that’ for  ‘who’ or ‘whom.’ Instead of  ‘a person who,’ we see ‘a person that.’ ”
Right.
“Who” for persons.
“That” for things.
Example: Ted Cruz is a politician that bears watching.

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Taking inventory

News Headline: “Clueless, heartless and gutless: Today’s GOP.”
Wait a minute.
Gutless?

News Headline: “Sarah Palin returns to reality TV with new TV show.”
News Headline: “200,000 people apply to live on Mars.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

News Headline: “Obama’s Trans-Pacific Partnership may undermine public health, environment, Internet all at once.”
And we haven’t even seen the rollout yet.

The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
+ An elementary school in Canon City, Colo., suspended a
6-year-old boy and placed an allegation of “sexual harassment” in his file because he kissed the cheek of 6-year-old girl he liked.
+ The median grade at Harvard University is an A-.

News Item: “. . . estimates that as many as 340,000 veterans rely on federal or state rental assistance. About 900,000 veterans live on food stamps, and an additional 5,000 active-duty service members are food stamp recipients. . . .”
Aren’t you tired of these freeloaders?

News Headline: “Santa warns in Greenpeace video Christmas will be canceled due to global warming.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Yellowstone supervolcano ‘even more colossal.’ ”
Evidently something about a finding that the Yellowstone Caldera (the eruptions of which can be violent enough to send a layer of ash six feet deep as far away as Chicago and which erupts every 600,000 or so years and last erupted 640,000 years ago) is “a much larger system” than previously thought.
Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . Santas, elves, reindeer, snowpersons. . . .”
News Item: “. . . while children each form a snowperson. . . .”
Why does QT find itself looking for a hairdryer and an extension cord?

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Mandela’s life was no
tea party

News Headline: “Rick Santorum compares himself to Nelson Mandela fighting against the ‘apartheid’ of Obamacare.”
The comparison is good as far as it goes.
Let’s put Santorum in prison for 27 years to test it further.

News Headline: “GOP Rep. Joe Barton calls for minimum wage repeal.”
News Headline: “Paul LePage pushing to loosen Maine’s child labor laws.”
A good catch by the Maine governor.
What is a sweatshop without children?


News Headline: “SpaghettiOs apologizes for Pearl Harbor tweet.”
A new finalist for the 2013 News Headline that Best Sums Up the Times We Live in Award.

QT Marie McAntoinette Update:
The McDonald’s employee Web site has reminded its workers to tip their au pairs and pool cleaners this Christmas.

News Headline: “Christmas shopping so stressful it triggers primal ‘fight or flight’ response.”
News Headline: “Images of Munch’s ‘The Scream’ decorate Norway’s Christmas tree at DC Union Station.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

From the Annals of the Federal Bureau of Police Squad:
TSA airport agents in St. Louis confiscated a cowboy sock monkey’s two-inch toy pistol.

B.F, a Chicago reader, writes:
“I can’t believe my eyes. Did you just go through a whole QT on Friday without promoting your new book?”
You are probably referring to QT’s new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious, makes an excellent Christmas present, and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
And one other thing.
Thanks a lot.
QT was hoping for two in a row.
Now it has to start all over again.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
W.S., an Evanston, Ill., reader, regarding QT’s reminder that the reindeer’s name is Donder, not Donner, writes:
“If a cannibal were to recite ‘The Night Before Christmas’ and didn’t remember the deer’s right name, and skipped it, would that be a Donner Pass? And isn’t it time for QT’s annual reminder that the right title for Clement Clarke Moore’s poem is ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’?”
And time for a reminder, too, that Christmas pudding should be stirred clockwise.
The English language can make a guy hungry.

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

The season to be merry. . . .

News Headline: “Woman tasered in Black Friday melee.”
News Headline: “Hanover cops: Santa Claus groped
female elf.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “For 20 years, the U.S. launch code at Minuteman silos was 00000000.”
Not to worry. The launch code has been fixed.
Changed it to the president’s birthday.

News Headline: “Wage strikes planned at fast-food outlets.”
See? This is what happens when our job creators let the servant class get uppity.

News Headline: “Obama refers to ‘tea-baggers’ in alleged handwritten letter.”
So now, on top of everything else, we see this socialist thug usurper calling names.

R.R., a Chicago reader, writes:
“You really do believe in shameless promotion, don’t you.”
Are you referring to QT’s promotion of its new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
Tell you what.
QT won’t be promoting it any more.

Then again, it won’t be promoting it any less

News Headline: “Dems say Boehner blocking farm bill, wants more food stamp cuts.”
Maybe it’s time we realized that the Republicans are the true Party of Change.
And they like to keep the change.

News Headline: “Poll: Americans don’t trust one another.”
Or is that what the pollsters would like us to think?

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
And now that it’s time to start thinking of Christmas, T.S., a Chicago reader, reminds us that is it isn’t “God rest ye, merry gentlemen” but “God rest ye merry, gentlemen.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Or just tell the poor Thanksgiving is overrated

News Headline: “Food stamp cuts lead to ‘staggering’ increase in need.”
News Headline: “How to donate food or volunteer at a food bank.”
There’s still a little time

YouTube Headline: “An idiot on a horse calls for Obama’s impeachment.”
So at least one of the idiots calling for impeachment is on horseback.
But most of them aren’t.
It isn’t easy, keeping track of the idiots calling for impeachment.

News Headline: “How Obama’s Iran deal screwed up the third season of ‘Homeland.’ ”
OK. That does it. Impeach him.

News Item: “. . . sexual assault allegations. . . .”
News Item: “. . . unlawful use of a weapon. . . .”
News Item: “. . . felony grand theft. . . .”
Meanwhile, in other college football news. . . .

News Headline: “Nike unveils all-white uniform for Ohio State.”
News Headline: “Nike unveils custom uniforms for the 114th Army-Navy game.”
And S.D., a Chicago reader, wants to know when football fields became fashion runways, and when can we have football fields back?

QT Early Warning System:
Three days remain until National Stress-Free Family Holiday Month.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “Inclement weather impacts Thanksgiving travel.”
J.K., a Sydney, Australia, reader, writes:
“I’ve just about given up on the overuse of ‘impact’ in all its forms.”
Especially when it is used as a verb, which it should not be, ever.
Well. Except when you are happily impacted by QT’s new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
Except for that.

And by the way:
Happy (QT offers this statement without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Thanksgiving!

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

It’s a small world, after all

News Headline: “Hurtling toward a nine-billion head count.”
News Headline: “Pacific Ocean warming 15 times faster than before.”
News Headline: “Huge increase in Amazon deforestation rate.”
We’re just asking for it, aren’t we?

News Headline: “New deal would keep U.S. in Afghanistan until 2024.”
News Headline: “Afghanistan to reintroduce public stoning as punishment for adultery.”
Keep in mind that our soldiers won’t be risking their lives for nothing.
Our soldiers will be risking their lives for worse than nothing.

News Headline: “Here are 5 great apps for your iPod Air.”
Add greatness to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.
News Headline: “George W. Bush says eight years in office ‘plenty.’ ”
But understatement remains alive and well.

News Headline: “Woman finds lost diamond ring 17 years later.”
News Headline: “York County man finds ring lost 44 years ago.”
News Headline: “Swedish woman finds 2,000-year-old ring in field.”
It’s probably safe to retire these stories now.

News Headline: “City where it’s illegal to smoke in your own home.”
As we hear from the San Rafael, Calif., chapter of the National Association of People Who Have Found a Socially Acceptable Way to Push Other People Around.

QT Newth You Can Uthe:
The owner of a Pennthylvania tattoo thop ith offering lifetime free tongue pierthingth, along with tattooth and other body art, for informathion leading to arrethtth in recthent break-inth there.
Tho be on the lookout.

News Item: “. . . The farthest galaxies are, to human eyes, ‘literally invisible,’ says the. . . . ”
A reminder that we aren’t even a visible speck, viewed from where we’re looking at.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
K.R., a Baltimore reader, writes:
“The word is ‘envoy,’ not ‘onvoy.’ We never should have been so tolerant of ‘onvelopes.’ ”
Which tempts QT to envelope its readers with another shameless promotion of its new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
But QT will resist the temptation.

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

This just in. . . .

News Headline: “Senate Dems weaken GOP power with major filibuster rule change.”
News Headline: “SF approves stronger penalties to crack down on illicit acts in massage parlors.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

News Item: “A Maine teenager said a beaver stole his rifle and dragged it underwater when he took a break from hunting. . . .”
With each new hunting season, it’s time to stop and admire the animals who stand their ground.

QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
A Walmart set out a food donations bin for its workers who face hunger this Thanksgiving, while McDonald’s reminded its workers that  “breaking food into smaller pieces often results in eating less and still feeling full.”

News Headline: “Judge deals blow to artists, as struggle to save building dims.”
And now, on top of everything, we have judges dealing blow.

News Headline: “JFK 50 years later: The NFL’s darkest weekend.”
We can say this for the sports department: It keeps its focus.

News Item: “. . . renovation project. . . Oklahoma Capitol. . . raw sewage backups, crumbling façade. . . .”
Oklahomans, among other things, seem to have a gift for metaphor.

News Headline: “Professional chicken catcher fired over his attitude can’t get jobless aid, Pa. court says.”
Your day may not be going well, but at least you aren’t an unemployed chicken catcher with an attitude.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
E.F., a Chicago reader,  writes:
“I just came back from the supermarket. Would you please remind the supermarkets–the ones with signs for ‘ 10 or less items’–that ‘fewer’ refers to quantities that can be counted and ‘less’ to quantities that can’t?”
For some reason, QT is reminded that there are fewer and fewer hours, which means less and less time, to take advantage of its offer to send a virtual QT bookmark to anyone who orders QT’s new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
For some reason, QT is reminded of that.

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

And Old Man Potter likes what he sees

News Headline: “Retail stores push further into Thanksgiving Day.”
News Headline: ” ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ sequel in the works.”
As the holidays near, it is good to remember that every time a cash register rings, an angel gets his wings cut off.

News Item: “China’s showpiece Tianhe-2 computer is almost twice as fast as its nearest rival. . . 33,863 trillion calculations per second. . . .”
A reminder that these feats are measured using either binary arithmetical calculations in the floating-point unit or the average time for a micro-instruction to be run by the processor collectively across all the pipelines in one time slice.
In other words, we’re taking the computer’s word for it.

News Headline: “House GOP 2014 agenda starts with a blank slate.”
Credit where credit is due.
Best House GOP  agenda in years.

Paul Shubin, a Montreal reader, regarding QT’s new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, and what are you waiting for, writes:
“How do you put a bookmark between the pages of an e-book?”
Funny you should ask.
Anyone who purchases the book by midnight Friday will receive an official QT virtual bookmark along with the book.
Don’t ask how QT will do this.
It just will.

News Headline: “Qatar accidentally builds ‘vagina stadium’ for World Cup.”
That’s the architect’s story, and she’s sticking to it.

News Item: “The nation’s largest lobbying industry group, the American League of Lobbyists, is changing its name to the Association of Government Relations Professionals. . . .”
. . . and not to worry, if you fall in line on this, you’ll be slipped a little scratch.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “Ryan makes Iowa stop.”
An isn’t it time somebody stopped Iowa?
Now we can turn our attention to Florida.
Or maybe Texas. . . .

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

 

Caught off base

News Headline: “Obamacare reversal sparks confusion.”
OK. Wait. Who’s on health insurance?
Yes.
But what about the cancellations?
That’s right.
All I’m trying to find out is who’s on health insurance.
Who.
Yes.
The people on health insurance.
But how will all this work?
Absolutely. . . .

News Headline: “Microsoft CEO search is narrowing.”
And will soon shut down, for no apparent reason.

Michele Bachmann regarding Tea Party predictions of a botched Obamacare rollout:
“We all look like geniuses now.”
In other news, an omnipotent God, faced with the task of making Bachmann and the Tea Party look like geniuses, said, “I’ll need some time on that one.”

News Headline: “Obama not informed on website failure.”
We have to remind ourselves.
Sometimes our politicians don’t really know what they’re talking about.
News Headline: “Republican senate hopeful jokes about Obama being from Kenya.”
And sometimes they know all too well.

News Headline: “Could fracking awaken Yellowstone supervolcano?”
Will the environmental wackos please stop with these worries about the effects of fracking on the Yellowstone Caldera, the eruptions of which can be violent enough to send a layer of ash six feet deep as far away as Chicago and which erupts every 600,000 or so years and last erupted 640,000 years ago?

W.S., a Chicago reader, regarding the news story about a robotic cleaning device that seemed to have committed suicide by turning itself on and moving along a kitchen counter to a hotplate, which QT guessed might be a case of techsistential despair, writes:
“You just can’t resist these word games, Camus? Be careful what you Sartre.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

News Headline: “Obamacare has big millennial problem.”
And why should Obamacare be different from most of the rest of us?

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Bill Scott, an East Northport, N.Y., reader, regarding QT’s new e-novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased, name your price, AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, and what are you waiting for, writes:
“I was just ordering 60606 and at the bottom of the page it says, ‘You will receive Basic, Kindle, Nook and iBook verstions.’ What is a verstion?”
There are 143,000 Google hits for “verstion.”
So it isn’t as if QT was mistaken.
That’s QT’s verstion, and it’s sticking to it.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Sic transistor gloria. . . .

News Headline: “Cleaning gadget ‘switches itself on’ and moves onto kitchen hotplate in ‘suicide bid.’ ”
News Headline: “Is this the first-ever robot suicide from too much housework?”
Or maybe a case of techsistential despair.

News Headline: “The ‘Francis effect’: 5 ways the pope is resuscitating the Catholic Church.”
News Headline: “Archbishop pledges to release names of priests who sexually abused children.”
Forget the CPR.
We’ll need cables and a car battery.

News Headline: Sarah Palin tells African-Americans they misinterpreted the word ‘slavery.’ ”
QT Digest of a Tuesday Radio Interview of Sarah Palin (for Your Convenience):
“. . . I honestly cannot think. . . .”
So now you have the gist.

News Headline: “Cell-phone thefts in major U.S. cities become crime epidemic.”
But is there a downside?

The Case for the Separation of Church and Everything:
A Methodist minister in Pennsylvania will soon be put on trial by the church and possibly defrocked because he officiated at his son’s same-sex marriage.

News Headline: “Typhoon Haiyan: Gun culture of the Philippines hinders relief effort.”
Is there anything the gun culture can’t do?

Beware the ides of National Family Literacy Month.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
+ Jonathon Eros, a San Francisco reader, regarding QT’s reminder that there is no “x” in “espresso,” writes:
“Even if you have it brewed for you PDQ in the express lane?”
QT still prefers the espress lane.
+ Ellen Hinsch, a Columbia, S.C., reader, writes:
“Would you please remind your readers (and everyone else in the English-speaking world) that a shift in the financial calendar is pronounced FISS-kul, not PHYSICAL. Thank you. It drives me nuts in October and November every year.”
Done.
And that’s it!
QT did it!
QT made it through an entire column without a single shameless promotion of its new e-book novel 60606, which offers both suspense and hilarity and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, and what are you waiting for?
Oh. Right.
Never mind.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.