The 353 Days of Not Christmas

News Headline: “We could use a little holiday spirit all year long.”
News Headline: “Putin vows to annihilate terrorists.”
But let’s see if he can do it festively.

Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative:
One in three people you see on the street believes that humans have existed “since the beginning of time.”

News Headline: “Mississippi governor pushes welfare drug testing.”
The thing about Republicans is that they can’t seem to get enough government regulation.

News Headline: “First asteroid discovered in 2014 hits Earth’s atmosphere.”
But Asteroid 2014 AA was only about the size of a double-decker bus as it headed for us at 80,000 mph.
And its debris evidently hit the Atlantic Ocean.
Hardly worth mentioning.

News Headline: “Lightning strikes killed fewer Americans than ever in 2013.”
So who says we aren’t making progress?
We finally have almost enough sense to come in out of the rain.

QT Rules of Etiquette for Guys and Dolls:
+ All Christmas decorations should be taken down after the Twelve Days of Christmas.
+ Twelfth Day is January 5.
+And the decorations should not go up again until the day after next Thanksgiving.
+ Which is 328 days from now.
+ Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Katherine Rylaarsdam, a Baltimore reader, writes:
“Could you get the new year off to a good start by reminding everybody of  some basics? Between you and me. Visiting him and me. Or perhaps clearer: She and I were visiting him and her, and between them and us, we finished the wine and talked and laughed until past midnight.”
And is it time for QT’s semiannual reminder that it isn’t “once more into the breach” but “once more unto the breach”?
Evidently.
And are you sure you’re out of wine?

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 IS AVAILABLE HERE

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

On the second day of Christmas. . . .

QT Christmas News You Can Use:
A word to those who are out of work–or know others who are–while the merriment happens all around:
The outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas will offer free job-search and career advice to anyone who calls on December 26 and 27.
The number is (312) 422-5010.
The hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. CST.
And remember:
There are Twelve Days of Christmas.
And a New Year after that.

News Headline: “NH school calls police on Santa Claus spreading ‘holiday cheer.’ ”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Beef O’Brady’s Bowl: Will East Carolina show up?”
OK. Just once during the 35 bowls of the bowl season, wouldn’t it be something to see if one of the teams actually didn’t show up?

+R.G., a Key West, Fla., reader, regarding QT’s asking readers to stop playing games with its suspicion that it is being overcharged by its electric company, writes:
“An electric company ought to conduct itself properly.”
+ Dave Carr, an Owen Sound, Ontario, reader, writes:
“You have to give credit to the company for being its ohm master.”
+ Dan Skowron, a Romeoville, Ill., reader, writes:
“Talk about re-volting.”
+ William Ferry, a Lafayette, La., reader, writes:
“Watt’s the current status?”
+ Stephen J. Smith, a Minneapolis reader, writes:
“I haven’t the energy for this.”
Sorry. No  time any more.
We need to prepare for Christmas.
Well, except for:
Who hides in a bakery at Christmastime?
A mince spy.
There was just time for that.

News Headline: “Small Alabama town accidentally hires black drag queens to dance in Christmas parade.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Drunken elf arrested.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

And one more thing:
Merry (this statement is offered without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with  the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Christmas!

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 IS AVAILABLE HERE

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT will resume Friday

And Merry Christmas again!

 

The sins of wages

News Headline: “Why is Pope Francis promoting sin?”
Interesting point.
The pope is being scolded here for his disapproval of the growing gap between the  rich and poor.
This means he is promoting envy.
News Headline: “Top 1 percent own 46 percent of global wealth.”
Which brings us to gluttony.

News Headline: “Italy denounced for hosing down migrants in the cold.”
But a good way to interest the Tea Party in an immigration bill.

News Headline: “Salvation Army bell ringer punched for saying ‘Happy Holidays’  instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’ ”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “White House to tap Microsoft exec to fix HealthCare.gov.”
Can we ask more of a news story than that it provide its own punch line?

Mike Gallery, a Crystal Lake, Ill., reader, writes:
“Every time I buy a gallon of gas for $3.29 9/10 and pay $3.30, I should receive a tenth of a cent in change but never do. Where is all my change going?”
Funny you should mention it.
QT has been going over its electric bill.
The bill charges, for various services, $0.02513, $0.00120, and $0.00186 per kilowatt hour.
These charges are rounded upward.
QT calculates that the company this month has slipped itself an extra .726 of a cent.
Then again, who better than the electric company to overcharge?

News Headline: “Justin Bieber tells fans ‘I’m retiring’ on L.A. radio show.”
In a related development, it has now been 2,371 days since Paris Hilton announced she was leaving public life.
Not that anyone is counting.

News Headline: “Poll: Only 8 percent of Americans believe congressional members honest, ethical.”
OK. About 1 percent of Americans are in prison.
Figure the other 7 percent are still on the lam.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . be aware that  Poinsettas, mistletoe and some other plants are toxic to pets. . . .”
Nothing to be wary of.
There is no such thing as a Poinsetta.
Or a poinsetta.
What we need to worry about are poinsettias.
News Item: “. . . Missile Toe, Poinsettias, Hollies, Lilies can all be toxic to pets. . . .”
Never mind.

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 IS AVAILABLE HERE

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Is the end nearly near?

News Headline: “Warning: The universe could be about ready to collapse on us.”
Hey. C’mon. Cheer up.
The universe isn’t everything.

News Headline: “Smaller asteroids can be far more dangerous than previously believed.”
Probably referring to such asteroids as Asteroid 2013 XS21, which was discovered three days after it grazed our atmosphere last week.
But at worst, if it had hit Earth, it would have destroyed everything for only a mile around.
It isn’t as if the whole universe would have fallen on us or something.
Oh. Right.
Never mind.

News Headline: “Justin Bieber’s photo with Will Smith is Instagram’s most-like photo of 2013.”
News Headline: “The ‘peanut butter series’ on Instagram shows dogs at their goofiest.”
Or look at it this way:
If the universe collapses, it will take Instagram with it.

David Buxton of the British Deaf Association regarding the fake interpreter at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela:
“It was hours of complete nonsense.”
In other news, Fox News has hired a new. . . .

News Headline: “Santas brawl  on New York street corner.”
News Headline: “City orders sex toys removed from Christmas tree in square.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!


QT
Trickle-On Economics Update:
The Walton family, which owns Walmart, has more wealth than the bottom 42 percent of Americans combined.
Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
D.K., a Chicago reader, writes:
“It isn’t ‘these kind’ or ‘those kind.’ It’s ‘these kinds‘ and ‘those kinds.’ ”
Thanks. But no one who reads QT makes this mistake.
QT doesn’t attract those kind.

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

A warning for the Senate

News Headline: “Senate holds second all-night session as Republicans protest.”
The Senate should be careful.
Sleep deprivation can cause impaired judgment and delusional behavior.
Oh. Right.
Never mind.

News Headline: “Three large truths obscured by Republican Obamacare lies.”
News Headline: “Obama health care promise named ‘Lie of the Year.’ ”
Or do you have something against bipartisanship?

News Headline: “Harvard researchers discover mortality benefits of nut consumption.”
News Headline: “Fox News dominates November cable TV news ratings.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

News Headline: “Earthquake expert: ‘Imagine America without Los Angeles.’ ”
But is there a downside?

News Headline: “Vanity Fair looks back at 100 years.”
Vanity Fair ceased publication between 1936 and 1983.
M.M., an Atlanta reader, says we can add centuries to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.

QTT New E-Book Novel  60606, Which Has Been Called Suspenseful and Hilarious and Can Be Purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, Name Your Price, Update:
No update today.

News Headline: “Knife-wielding Santa robs post office.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

Beware the ides of National Stress-Free Holiday Month.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Rich Rzadzki, a Chicago reader, writes:
“Noticed something the other day that occurs too often. It’s the misuse of  ‘that’ for  ‘who’ or ‘whom.’ Instead of  ‘a person who,’ we see ‘a person that.’ ”
Right.
“Who” for persons.
“That” for things.
Example: Ted Cruz is a politician that bears watching.

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Taking inventory

News Headline: “Clueless, heartless and gutless: Today’s GOP.”
Wait a minute.
Gutless?

News Headline: “Sarah Palin returns to reality TV with new TV show.”
News Headline: “200,000 people apply to live on Mars.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

News Headline: “Obama’s Trans-Pacific Partnership may undermine public health, environment, Internet all at once.”
And we haven’t even seen the rollout yet.

The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
+ An elementary school in Canon City, Colo., suspended a
6-year-old boy and placed an allegation of “sexual harassment” in his file because he kissed the cheek of 6-year-old girl he liked.
+ The median grade at Harvard University is an A-.

News Item: “. . . estimates that as many as 340,000 veterans rely on federal or state rental assistance. About 900,000 veterans live on food stamps, and an additional 5,000 active-duty service members are food stamp recipients. . . .”
Aren’t you tired of these freeloaders?

News Headline: “Santa warns in Greenpeace video Christmas will be canceled due to global warming.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Yellowstone supervolcano ‘even more colossal.’ ”
Evidently something about a finding that the Yellowstone Caldera (the eruptions of which can be violent enough to send a layer of ash six feet deep as far away as Chicago and which erupts every 600,000 or so years and last erupted 640,000 years ago) is “a much larger system” than previously thought.
Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . Santas, elves, reindeer, snowpersons. . . .”
News Item: “. . . while children each form a snowperson. . . .”
Why does QT find itself looking for a hairdryer and an extension cord?

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Mandela’s life was no
tea party

News Headline: “Rick Santorum compares himself to Nelson Mandela fighting against the ‘apartheid’ of Obamacare.”
The comparison is good as far as it goes.
Let’s put Santorum in prison for 27 years to test it further.

News Headline: “GOP Rep. Joe Barton calls for minimum wage repeal.”
News Headline: “Paul LePage pushing to loosen Maine’s child labor laws.”
A good catch by the Maine governor.
What is a sweatshop without children?


News Headline: “SpaghettiOs apologizes for Pearl Harbor tweet.”
A new finalist for the 2013 News Headline that Best Sums Up the Times We Live in Award.

QT Marie McAntoinette Update:
The McDonald’s employee Web site has reminded its workers to tip their au pairs and pool cleaners this Christmas.

News Headline: “Christmas shopping so stressful it triggers primal ‘fight or flight’ response.”
News Headline: “Images of Munch’s ‘The Scream’ decorate Norway’s Christmas tree at DC Union Station.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

From the Annals of the Federal Bureau of Police Squad:
TSA airport agents in St. Louis confiscated a cowboy sock monkey’s two-inch toy pistol.

B.F, a Chicago reader, writes:
“I can’t believe my eyes. Did you just go through a whole QT on Friday without promoting your new book?”
You are probably referring to QT’s new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious, makes an excellent Christmas present, and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
And one other thing.
Thanks a lot.
QT was hoping for two in a row.
Now it has to start all over again.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
W.S., an Evanston, Ill., reader, regarding QT’s reminder that the reindeer’s name is Donder, not Donner, writes:
“If a cannibal were to recite ‘The Night Before Christmas’ and didn’t remember the deer’s right name, and skipped it, would that be a Donner Pass? And isn’t it time for QT’s annual reminder that the right title for Clement Clarke Moore’s poem is ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’?”
And time for a reminder, too, that Christmas pudding should be stirred clockwise.
The English language can make a guy hungry.

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 is available here

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

The season to be merry. . . .

News Headline: “Woman tasered in Black Friday melee.”
News Headline: “Hanover cops: Santa Claus groped
female elf.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “For 20 years, the U.S. launch code at Minuteman silos was 00000000.”
Not to worry. The launch code has been fixed.
Changed it to the president’s birthday.

News Headline: “Wage strikes planned at fast-food outlets.”
See? This is what happens when our job creators let the servant class get uppity.

News Headline: “Obama refers to ‘tea-baggers’ in alleged handwritten letter.”
So now, on top of everything else, we see this socialist thug usurper calling names.

R.R., a Chicago reader, writes:
“You really do believe in shameless promotion, don’t you.”
Are you referring to QT’s promotion of its new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
Tell you what.
QT won’t be promoting it any more.

Then again, it won’t be promoting it any less

News Headline: “Dems say Boehner blocking farm bill, wants more food stamp cuts.”
Maybe it’s time we realized that the Republicans are the true Party of Change.
And they like to keep the change.

News Headline: “Poll: Americans don’t trust one another.”
Or is that what the pollsters would like us to think?

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
And now that it’s time to start thinking of Christmas, T.S., a Chicago reader, reminds us that is it isn’t “God rest ye, merry gentlemen” but “God rest ye merry, gentlemen.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Or just tell the poor Thanksgiving is overrated

News Headline: “Food stamp cuts lead to ‘staggering’ increase in need.”
News Headline: “How to donate food or volunteer at a food bank.”
There’s still a little time

YouTube Headline: “An idiot on a horse calls for Obama’s impeachment.”
So at least one of the idiots calling for impeachment is on horseback.
But most of them aren’t.
It isn’t easy, keeping track of the idiots calling for impeachment.

News Headline: “How Obama’s Iran deal screwed up the third season of ‘Homeland.’ ”
OK. That does it. Impeach him.

News Item: “. . . sexual assault allegations. . . .”
News Item: “. . . unlawful use of a weapon. . . .”
News Item: “. . . felony grand theft. . . .”
Meanwhile, in other college football news. . . .

News Headline: “Nike unveils all-white uniform for Ohio State.”
News Headline: “Nike unveils custom uniforms for the 114th Army-Navy game.”
And S.D., a Chicago reader, wants to know when football fields became fashion runways, and when can we have football fields back?

QT Early Warning System:
Three days remain until National Stress-Free Family Holiday Month.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “Inclement weather impacts Thanksgiving travel.”
J.K., a Sydney, Australia, reader, writes:
“I’ve just about given up on the overuse of ‘impact’ in all its forms.”
Especially when it is used as a verb, which it should not be, ever.
Well. Except when you are happily impacted by QT’s new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
Except for that.

And by the way:
Happy (QT offers this statement without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Thanksgiving!

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

It’s a small world, after all

News Headline: “Hurtling toward a nine-billion head count.”
News Headline: “Pacific Ocean warming 15 times faster than before.”
News Headline: “Huge increase in Amazon deforestation rate.”
We’re just asking for it, aren’t we?

News Headline: “New deal would keep U.S. in Afghanistan until 2024.”
News Headline: “Afghanistan to reintroduce public stoning as punishment for adultery.”
Keep in mind that our soldiers won’t be risking their lives for nothing.
Our soldiers will be risking their lives for worse than nothing.

News Headline: “Here are 5 great apps for your iPod Air.”
Add greatness to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.
News Headline: “George W. Bush says eight years in office ‘plenty.’ ”
But understatement remains alive and well.

News Headline: “Woman finds lost diamond ring 17 years later.”
News Headline: “York County man finds ring lost 44 years ago.”
News Headline: “Swedish woman finds 2,000-year-old ring in field.”
It’s probably safe to retire these stories now.

News Headline: “City where it’s illegal to smoke in your own home.”
As we hear from the San Rafael, Calif., chapter of the National Association of People Who Have Found a Socially Acceptable Way to Push Other People Around.

QT Newth You Can Uthe:
The owner of a Pennthylvania tattoo thop ith offering lifetime free tongue pierthingth, along with tattooth and other body art, for informathion leading to arrethtth in recthent break-inth there.
Tho be on the lookout.

News Item: “. . . The farthest galaxies are, to human eyes, ‘literally invisible,’ says the. . . . ”
A reminder that we aren’t even a visible speck, viewed from where we’re looking at.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
K.R., a Baltimore reader, writes:
“The word is ‘envoy,’ not ‘onvoy.’ We never should have been so tolerant of ‘onvelopes.’ ”
Which tempts QT to envelope its readers with another shameless promotion of its new e-book novel 60606, which has been called suspenseful and hilarious and can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, name your price, and what are you waiting for?
But QT will resist the temptation.

QT’s new novel 60606 is available here.

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.