News Headline: “Naked woman seen wandering Miami airport, jumping off roof of
police car.”
As reasonable a response as any to the news of the day.

News Headline: “Alan Dershowitz added to Trump impeachment defense team.”
Some may recall that Dershowitz was on the defense team of O.J. Simpson.
. . .  who announced he was  “absolutely, 100 percent not guilty.”
But that witch hunt was a long time ago.

News Headline: “New Trump revelations are a ‘fecal iceberg.’ ”
After long last, running out of metaphors.

News Headline: “There were more U.S. mass shootings in 2019 than days on the calendar.”
And can it be only two days until National Gun Appreciation Day?

There have been XXIII arrests of NFL players reported since Super Bowl LIII, with XVII days remaining until Super Bowl LIV.

News Headline: “Protest restrictions on press coverage of Trump impeachment trial.”
Or put it this way:
There are 330 elevators for the U.S. Capitol and its campus.
There are 251 Republicans.
Which makes 79 extra places to run and hide.

News Headline: “Ocean temperatures hit record high.”
For those interested in the most important news story this week that no one is paying attention to.

News Headline: “Dog has priceless reaction to meeting new baby.” 
News Headline: “Mischievous squirrel rings couple’s doorbell.”
News Headline: “The things animals do.”
Sometimes a headline writer just wants to get it over with.

News Headline: “Why do evangelicals support Trump?”
News Headline: “Trump will start the end of the world, say evangelicals.”
Asked and answered.

News Headline: “Teen snowboarders stranded at a ski resort burned their homework to stay warm.”
That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it.