Author Archives: Zay Smith

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language

Hearts and Guts
News Item: “. . . the heart-wrenching story of. . . .”
News Item: “. . . the gut-rending songs of. . . .”
Rich Rzadski, a Chicago reader, reminds us that it isn’t “heart-wrenching” and “gut-rending” but “heart-rending” and “gut-wrenching.”
And as we are heading  into the political season:
Events can be both stomach-churning and stomach-turning.
Not to mention mind-boggling and mind-numbing.
And will be.

WRITE TO QT:  qt@zaysmith.com

QT digest of Donald Trump’s remarks from the past week (for your convenience)

Trump Mouth
“. . . idiot. . . stiff. . . total loser. . . true moron. . . clown. . . total lightweight. . . .”
Say this for Donald Trump:
He’s not be overly intelligent.
But he’s unpleasant.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language

CIA Manual
The CIA Style Manual and Writers Guide for Intelligence Publications wants you to know:
+ ” ‘Data,’ ‘media,’ ‘criteria,’ ‘phenomena’ are plural and require plural verbs. . . . One never satisfies a criteria or observes a phenomena.”
+ “ ‘All right.’ Never ‘alright.’ ”
+ “ ‘’Different from’ is correct; ‘different than’  is not.”
+ “ ‘Ironically’ involves a sharp contrast between the apparent and the expected. Do not use ironically when referring to a trivial oddity.”
+ “ ‘Hanged’ is the past tense of hang when referring to an execution; ‘hung’ is the proper past tense in all other meanings.”
And keep in mind:
Homeland Security will know if you break these rules.

WRITE TO QT:  qt@zaysmith.com

From Poor QT’s Almanack

Battle of Cerignola, Italy, 1503
On this day in history 512 years ago, the Spanish defeated the French at the
Battle of Cerignola, which seemed important at the time.

QT college football on-again, off-again, off-season update

Ben Cleveland
News Headline: “5-star Georgia recruit injures hand in science class.”
Awaiting word on disciplinary action.
What was he doing in a class?

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Santy Claus
Who hides in a bakery at Christmastime?
A mince spy.
Ho, Ho, Ho!
That should do it until QT returns next week.
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Only one thing left to say:
Merry (QT offers this statement without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Christmas!

Everyone needs a hobby

Poison Dart Frog
News Item:
Scientists have discovered a new species of poison dart frog in the Donoso district of Panama. The tiny orange-colored frog, which is as small as a fingernail. . . .”
This follows recent discoveries of tulips with digestive systems, cannibal lemurs, worms with no mouths, fish with penises in their heads, snakes with tentacles and meat-eating sponges.
. . . . as the Intelligent Designer walks slowly away, whistling to himself.

Sympathy and trust abounding. . . .

Terrorists

News Headline: “House panel approves massive Pentagon spending bill.”
News Headline: “Terrorists team up in Syria to build next generation of bombs.”
No one said the dawning of the Age of Aquarius didn’t need a little tweaking.

The 353 Days of Not Christmas

News Headline: “We could use a little holiday spirit all year long.”
News Headline: “Putin vows to annihilate terrorists.”
But let’s see if he can do it festively.

Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative:
One in three people you see on the street believes that humans have existed “since the beginning of time.”

News Headline: “Mississippi governor pushes welfare drug testing.”
The thing about Republicans is that they can’t seem to get enough government regulation.

News Headline: “First asteroid discovered in 2014 hits Earth’s atmosphere.”
But Asteroid 2014 AA was only about the size of a double-decker bus as it headed for us at 80,000 mph.
And its debris evidently hit the Atlantic Ocean.
Hardly worth mentioning.

QT Rules of Etiquette for Guys and Dolls:
+ All Christmas decorations should be taken down after the Twelve Days of Christmas.
+ Twelfth Day is January 5.
+And the decorations should not go up again until the day after next Thanksgiving.
+ Which is 328 days from now.
+ Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Katherine Rylaarsdam, a Baltimore reader, writes:
“Could you get the new year off to a good start by reminding everybody of  some basics? Between you and me. Visiting him and me. Or perhaps clearer: She and I were visiting him and her, and between them and us, we finished the wine and talked and laughed until past midnight.”
And is it time for QT’s semiannual reminder that it isn’t “once more into the breach” but “once more unto the breach”?
Evidently.
And are you sure you’re out of wine?

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 IS AVAILABLE HERE

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

On the second day of Christmas. . . .

QT Christmas News You Can Use:
A word to those who are out of work–or know others who are–while the merriment happens all around:
The outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas will offer free job-search and career advice to anyone who calls on December 26 and 27.
The number is (312) 422-5010.
The hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. CST.
And remember:
There are Twelve Days of Christmas.
And a New Year after that.

News Headline: “NH school calls police on Santa Claus spreading ‘holiday cheer.’ ”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Beef O’Brady’s Bowl: Will East Carolina show up?”
OK. Just once during the 35 bowls of the bowl season, wouldn’t it be something to see if one of the teams actually didn’t show up?

+R.G., a Key West, Fla., reader, regarding QT’s asking readers to stop playing games with its suspicion that it is being overcharged by its electric company, writes:
“An electric company ought to conduct itself properly.”
+ Dave Carr, an Owen Sound, Ontario, reader, writes:
“You have to give credit to the company for being its ohm master.”
+ Dan Skowron, a Romeoville, Ill., reader, writes:
“Talk about re-volting.”
+ William Ferry, a Lafayette, La., reader, writes:
“Watt’s the current status?”
+ Stephen J. Smith, a Minneapolis reader, writes:
“I haven’t the energy for this.”
Sorry. No  time any more.
We need to prepare for Christmas.
Well, except for:
Who hides in a bakery at Christmastime?
A mince spy.
There was just time for that.

News Headline: “Small Alabama town accidentally hires black drag queens to dance in Christmas parade.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Drunken elf arrested.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

And one more thing:
Merry (this statement is offered without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with  the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Christmas!

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 IS AVAILABLE HERE

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT will resume Friday

And Merry Christmas again!