Author Archives: Zay Smith

From the QT police blotter

News Headline:
“A man is in jail after assaulting another man with a watermelon.”
L.R., a Chicago reader, regarding QT’s guess that it happened in a seedy part of town, writes:
“Not a happy story. Almost meloncholy.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.


Russian assets in the news

News Headline:
“Trump enraged after finding out he stood up to Putin.”
News Headline: “Trump halts plan for new sanctions against Russia.
It’s a good thing Donald Trump has an understanding boss.

QT Planetary Defense Coordination Office

Only three asteroids were discovered last week as they passed between Earth and the moon.
And only one of them was the largest known asteroid to pass this close to Earth “in observational history.”
But even if Asteroid 2018 GE3–about the size of a football stadium–had hit, it would have created a crater only two miles across and destroyed everything for only 15 miles in every direction.
So there remains no cause for concern.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar in the English Language

News Item:
“. . . will be on tender hooks right to the last minute. . . .”
S.A., a Chicago reader, writes that she will be on tenterhooks waiting for people to stop writing “tender hooks.”
And is it time for QT’s biennial reminder that pictures are hung and condemned prisoners are hanged?


The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius in the news

News Item: “. . . called Syria’s repeated use of chemical weapons ‘atrocities’ that violate all norms of civilized behavior. . . .”
Fair warning to Bashar al-Assad:
Stay with the barrel bombs and bullets.
Which are within the norms of civilized behavior.

The national conversation in the news

Former CIA Director
John Brennan to President Trump:
“Your kakistocracy is collapsing after its lamentable journey.”
Say this about Donald Trump:
For all the high crimes and misdemeanors, he’s been good for our vocabularies.

. . . born every minute

News Headline: “Trump has the most success where people read the least news.”
Bill Scott, an East Northport, N.Y., reader, regarding QT’s suggesting that the headline might serve someday as the republic’s epitaph, writes:
“Who’ll bother to read it?”
Good point.
But we have to reach these people.
Is anyone out there fluent in emojis?


From Poor QT’s Almanack

Beware the ides of National Car Care Month.

Special offer

News Headline: “Deutsche Bank sacks British boss John Cryan after years of losses.”
Cryan’s severance will come to more than $8 million.
QT renews its offer:
Put QT in charge of your corporation.
QT will run it into the ground in months, not years.
And it will charge only $1 million.
Why are there no takers?

Breaking news. . . .

News Headline: “Louisiana law to ban sex with animals wins Senate vote 25-10.”
The 10 Republicans who voted no said there were technical problems with the bill.
That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it.