Author Archives: Zay Smith

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language

Lightning Fire
News Headline: “Lightning ignites tree on fire.”
J.K., a Madison, Wis., reader, says your day might not be going well, but at least you haven’t been struck by lightning while you’re already on fire.
And is it past time for QT’s annual reminder that it isn’t ”once more into the breach,” but ”once more unto the breach”?


The case for zero tolerance of modern school administrators

Happy Graduation!

Eisenhower High School in Shelby Township, Mich., has named 60 valedictorians.
And six salutatorians.
But we can stop now.
The commencements have commenced.
Happy graduation, valedictorians!
And to the scattering of high school seniors who aren’t!

. . . and here comes the bride

Here Comes the Bride
News Headline: “Priest punches groom’s brother during wedding ceremony.”
It’s the little things that go wrong at a wedding that often provide our most treasured memories.

Breaking news. . . .

Bank Robbery

+ S.W., a Downers Grove, Ill., reader, regarding a California man who approached a bank teller, produced a note demanding cash and was told no, at which point he turned around and left the bank, writes:
“It appears you can add bank robbers to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.”
+ Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell regarding Donald Trump’s presidential campaign:
“I’d like to see a more studious approach.”
But understatement is alive and well.


The medium is the message

Donald Trump 1

News Headline: “Artist reimagines Donald Trump as a liberal, tattooed hipster.”
But no artist yet has surpassed Pricasso.
It was six months ago that QT commissioned a painting of Trump by Tim Patch, better known as Pricasso, the Australian artist who paints with his penis.
The painting is displayed again here.
Or as Pricasso wrote to QT after completing the work:
“It was difficult in the hotel room. Now I have to wash the carpet a bit.”
QT likes to consider the artwork from time to time, keeping in mind:
When Donald Trump is done, we’ll have to wash the national carpet a bit.


QT Large Hadron Collider, which, in theory, could cause a black hole or quantum vacuum collapse or an assembling of quarks into a ‘hungry strangelet,’ any of which would make us all suddenly disappear, update

Hadron Collider
News Headline: “Weasel chews through power cable, puts LHC experiments on hold.”
But we won’t let a stupid weasel stop us. . . .

Frontiers of science

News Headline: “Wine, chocolate and cheese can help you lose weight, scientist says.”
News Headline: “Three-day work week best for over-40s, study finds.”
Keep up the good work, researchers!

Entranced interrogation in the news

News Item: “Sean Hannity and 2016 GOP front-runner Donald Trump will be in
Milwaukee. . . .”
Speaking of which: Has it been 2,544 days since Sean Hannity promised he would undergo waterboarding to show it isn’t torture?
Not that anyone is counting.

Or maybe a wall of some kind

ISIS Propaganda
News Headline: “GOP campaign rhetoric on Muslims harms U.S. security efforts: Homeland Security chief.”
News Headline: “Trump and Cruz are playing right into ISIS’ hands, CIA analyst warns.”
We may want to close our borders to Republicans until further notice.
Just be safe.

QT trickle-on economics update

Minimum Wage
Alabama Republican Gov. Robert Bentley signed a bill blocking minimum-wage increases in the state’s cities and towns shortly after giving four of his Cabinet members an 80 percent raise.