Author Archives: Zay Smith

Round and Round we go

Santa's Reindeer
K.R., a Baltimore reader, regarding QT’s annual reminders that it isn’t “God rest ye, merry gentlemen” but “God rest ye merry, gentleman” and that Christmas pudding should be stirred clockwise, writes:
“Is this related to the rule that you should not go widdershins around a church?”
Exactly.
And QT forgot one reminder:
The reindeer’s name is Donder, not Donner.

WRITE TO QT:  qt@zaysmith.com

QT trickle-on economics update

Wal-Mart Food Drive
+ The Walton family, heirs to Wal-Mart, have doubled and redoubled their wealth six times in the last 30 years to more than $150 billion.
+ There are food drives again this year for Wal-Mart workers who are hungry.

Everyone needs a hobby

Poison Dart Frog
News Item:
Scientists have discovered a new species of poison dart frog in the Donoso district of Panama. The tiny orange-colored frog, which is as small as a fingernail. . . .”
This follows recent discoveries of tulips with digestive systems, cannibal lemurs, worms with no mouths, fish with penises in their heads, snakes with tentacles and meat-eating sponges.
. . . . as the Intelligent Designer walks slowly away, whistling to himself.

You could look it up

QT's Thesaurus
News Item: “. . . Though the survey is not a scientific poll, its findings. . . .”
QT’s Thesaurus of English Words & Phrases & Terms & Expressions & So On:
garbage
noun
rubbish, litter, trash, refuse, waste, sweepings, scraps, debris, swill, offal, flotsam and jetsam, dross, dreck, rot, crap, drivel, not a scientific poll

Try to remember two days in September

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
News Headline:
“We must never forget lessons of 9/11.”
A reminder of another day’s lessons to remember:
The day was two weeks later.
It was  9/25.
It was on that day in Los Angeles that the story was reported of a German surgeon in a Jewish hospital performing a kidney transplant from a white Muslim woman to a black Christian man.
We can do worse than remember the lessons of 9/25, also.

From Poor QT’s Almanack

Declaration of Independcance

On this day in 1776,  the Continental Congress voted for indepe–
Wait. That was July 2.
On this day in 1776, two days after voting for independence, the Continental Congress met for the formal signing of the Decla–
Wait. Only John Hancock, the president of Congress, and Charles Thompson, the secretary, signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4.
The entire Continental Congress didn’t sign it until August 2.
And Thomas McKean of Delaware didn’t sign it until 1781.
Happy Fourth of July!

Sympathy and trust abounding. . . .

Terrorists

News Headline: “House panel approves massive Pentagon spending bill.”
News Headline: “Terrorists team up in Syria to build next generation of bombs.”
No one said the dawning of the Age of Aquarius didn’t need a little tweaking.

Klaatu barada IPO

Robot

News Headline: “Firm names robot to board of directors.”
Won’t work.
A robot has no place on a corporate board.
It  knows only numbers.
It has no moral values, no concern for the needs of society.
Wait. What?
Oh. Right.
Never mind.

Rabbit, run

Easter Bunny
News Headline: “Michigan man accused of fondling Easter Bunny.”
Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on it’s way.

The 353 Days of Not Christmas

News Headline: “We could use a little holiday spirit all year long.”
News Headline: “Putin vows to annihilate terrorists.”
But let’s see if he can do it festively.

Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative:
One in three people you see on the street believes that humans have existed “since the beginning of time.”

News Headline: “Mississippi governor pushes welfare drug testing.”
The thing about Republicans is that they can’t seem to get enough government regulation.

News Headline: “First asteroid discovered in 2014 hits Earth’s atmosphere.”
But Asteroid 2014 AA was only about the size of a double-decker bus as it headed for us at 80,000 mph.
And its debris evidently hit the Atlantic Ocean.
Hardly worth mentioning.

QT Rules of Etiquette for Guys and Dolls:
+ All Christmas decorations should be taken down after the Twelve Days of Christmas.
+ Twelfth Day is January 5.
+And the decorations should not go up again until the day after next Thanksgiving.
+ Which is 328 days from now.
+ Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Katherine Rylaarsdam, a Baltimore reader, writes:
“Could you get the new year off to a good start by reminding everybody of  some basics? Between you and me. Visiting him and me. Or perhaps clearer: She and I were visiting him and her, and between them and us, we finished the wine and talked and laughed until past midnight.”
And is it time for QT’s semiannual reminder that it isn’t “once more into the breach” but “once more unto the breach”?
Evidently.
And are you sure you’re out of wine?

QT’s NEW E-BOOK NOVEL  60606 IS AVAILABLE HERE

Write to QT at zaysmith.qt@gmail.com

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday