Author Archives: Zay Smith

Rabbit, run

Easter Bunny
News Headline: “Michigan man accused of fondling Easter Bunny.”
Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on it’s way.

The 353 Days of Not Christmas

News Headline: “We could use a little holiday spirit all year long.”
News Headline: “Putin vows to annihilate terrorists.”
But let’s see if he can do it festively.

Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative:
One in three people you see on the street believes that humans have existed “since the beginning of time.”

News Headline: “Mississippi governor pushes welfare drug testing.”
The thing about Republicans is that they can’t seem to get enough government regulation.

News Headline: “First asteroid discovered in 2014 hits Earth’s atmosphere.”
But Asteroid 2014 AA was only about the size of a double-decker bus as it headed for us at 80,000 mph.
And its debris evidently hit the Atlantic Ocean.
Hardly worth mentioning.

QT Rules of Etiquette for Guys and Dolls:
+ All Christmas decorations should be taken down after the Twelve Days of Christmas.
+ Twelfth Day is January 5.
+And the decorations should not go up again until the day after next Thanksgiving.
+ Which is 328 days from now.
+ Ho, Ho, Ho!

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Katherine Rylaarsdam, a Baltimore reader, writes:
“Could you get the new year off to a good start by reminding everybody of  some basics? Between you and me. Visiting him and me. Or perhaps clearer: She and I were visiting him and her, and between them and us, we finished the wine and talked and laughed until past midnight.”
And is it time for QT’s semiannual reminder that it isn’t “once more into the breach” but “once more unto the breach”?
And are you sure you’re out of wine?


Write to QT at

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday

On the second day of Christmas. . . .

QT Christmas News You Can Use:
A word to those who are out of work–or know others who are–while the merriment happens all around:
The outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas will offer free job-search and career advice to anyone who calls on December 26 and 27.
The number is (312) 422-5010.
The hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. CST.
And remember:
There are Twelve Days of Christmas.
And a New Year after that.

News Headline: “NH school calls police on Santa Claus spreading ‘holiday cheer.’ ”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Beef O’Brady’s Bowl: Will East Carolina show up?”
OK. Just once during the 35 bowls of the bowl season, wouldn’t it be something to see if one of the teams actually didn’t show up?

+R.G., a Key West, Fla., reader, regarding QT’s asking readers to stop playing games with its suspicion that it is being overcharged by its electric company, writes:
“An electric company ought to conduct itself properly.”
+ Dave Carr, an Owen Sound, Ontario, reader, writes:
“You have to give credit to the company for being its ohm master.”
+ Dan Skowron, a Romeoville, Ill., reader, writes:
“Talk about re-volting.”
+ William Ferry, a Lafayette, La., reader, writes:
“Watt’s the current status?”
+ Stephen J. Smith, a Minneapolis reader, writes:
“I haven’t the energy for this.”
Sorry. No  time any more.
We need to prepare for Christmas.
Well, except for:
Who hides in a bakery at Christmastime?
A mince spy.
There was just time for that.

News Headline: “Small Alabama town accidentally hires black drag queens to dance in Christmas parade.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

News Headline: “Drunken elf arrested.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!

And one more thing:
Merry (this statement is offered without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with  the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Christmas!


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QT will resume Friday

And Merry Christmas again!


Thank you for your service

News Headline: “Don’t miss these Veterans Day appliance sales.”
News Headline: “Veterans Day Event: Free shipping on all online orders in the U.S.”
News Headline: “Honoring America’s veterans for service, sacrifice.”
Wait. How did that last one get in there?

QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
Billionaires received $11.3 million in federal farm subsidies from 1995 to 2012, it was learned, as one in seven Americans faced hunger because of cuts in food stamps.

News Headline: Amazon deforestation could trigger droughts in U.S.”
News Headline: “A garbage patch the size of the U.S. floats in the Pacific Ocean.”
News Headline: “Arctic temperatures highest in at least 44,000 years.”
News Headline: “Billions of Earth-like planets found in Milky Way.”
Forget the galaxy.
How much longer will Earth be an Earth-like planet?

S.C., a New York City reader, regarding QT’s new e-book novel 60606, writes:
“I was reading it on my Kindle on the train and laughed so loud at one point I embarrassed myself.”
QT was determined not permit further shameless promotions of its book, which can be purchased AT THIS HANDY LOCATION, and what are you waiting for?
But QT was tricked again.

News Headline: “Sarah Palin compares federal debt to slavery at Iowa dinner.”
News Headline: “Sarah Palin tells Iowa conservatives it’s time to ‘stiffen our backs.’ ”
Some might be tempted to say it takes a stiff back to support a thick head.
But not QT.

QT Early Warning System:
The Mormon Church now owns 2 percent of Florida.

News Headline: “Falling satellite causes no damage after re-entry.”
Is this a good time to mention Asteroid 2013 VJ11, which passed between Earth and the moon on Friday, the sixth asteroid in a month to be discovered after nearly hitting us?
Maybe another time.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
+ Bill Wade, a Chicago reader, writes:
“I have noticed a trend among the talking-head media to pronounce the ‘t’ in ‘often.’ ”
Some people are eager to show they can spell.
+ Bill Laude, a Frankfort, Ill., reader writes:
” ‘Et cetera’ is Latin for ‘and others,’ with the abbreviation being ‘etc.’ But when the expression is spoken, I hear ‘ek cetera’ far too often.”
There is no excaping these mispronunciations.
You’ll hear them from here to the Artic, for all intensive purposes.
Which reminds QT that it is past time for its semiannual reminder that there is no “x” in “espresso.”
So there it is.

Write to QT at

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Tell us something we don’t know

News Headline: “Sarah Palin plans to visit Iowa.”
News Headline: “Ted Cruz says he knows how to unite the GOP.”
News Headline: “Rush Limbaugh: GOP doesn’t want to win.”
News Headline: “Sean Hannity gets fact-checked hard on Obamacare.”
News Headline: “Glenn Beck: ‘We are on the eve of destruction.’ ”
 News Headline: “5 terrifying real-life clowns.”
No need.
We seem to have it covered.

News Headline: “Ted Cruz’s dad: Send Obama back to Kenya.”
OK. Make it six.

S.A., a Chicago reader, regarding QT’s new e-book novel 60606, writes:
“This is going to be a hard act to folio.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.
QT is not looking for easy excuses to remind people the e-book can be purchased here.

QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
Wall Street executives marked a fifth year of escaping criminal prosecutions for the 2008 crash as a Texas man was jailed for an overdue library book.

QT What Passes for Miracles These Days Update:
An image of Jesus was discovered in the sweat stains on a T-shirt in Mount Horeb, Wis.

News Headline: “Is Texas suppressing women voters?”
News Headline: “Is Ron Paul a political liability for his son?”
News Headline: “Are insurers trying to game Obamacare?”
News Headline: “Is the GOP overplaying its hand?”
News Headline: “Are Democrats more extreme than the GOP?”
News Headline: “Is Congress helping Wall Street loot your pension?”
Yes, yes, yes, yes, no, yes.
See how easy?

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
+ J.J., a Seattle reader, regarding another reader’s reminder that it should be Daylight Saving Time, not Daylight Savings Time writes:
“Now that you mention it, shouldn’t there be a hyphen? Daylight-Saving Time?”
Now that you mention it, yes.
But remember it has been said:
If you care about hyphens, you will surely go mad.
+ W.S., an Evanston, Ill., reader, writes:
“And it’s safe-deposit boxes, not safety deposit boxes, right?”
As sure as you can purchase QT’s new novel here.
QT will stop now.

Write to QT at

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Our neighbors in space

News Headline: “Sun fires solar storm directly at Earth.”
News Headline: “Check out this animation of the sun destroying Earth.”
It’s OK.
Not this time.

News Headline: “Building evacuated after burlesque dancer sets off fire alarm with burning nipple tassels.”
See? Civilization goes on.

News Item: “. . .  Obama said the government will create a rating system for higher education,. . . average tuition, loan debt and what graduates earn . . .bigger bang for their
buck. . . .”
Kids, go get grandpa and ask him what it was like when colleges were supposed be  more than technical training schools
for high-paying jobs.

QT Digest of Rush Limbaugh’s Thursday Show (for Your Convenience):
“My. . . typical. . . show. . . has. . . no real substance. . . except for . . . obvious pandering. . .  to the. . . low-information crowd.”
Is there anyone more fun to quote out of context?
Or who deserves it more?

QT News Presented Without Comment:
A worker suffered minor injuries when lightning struck the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky.

News Headline: “New atomic clock’s precision ‘groundbreaking.’ ”
This is a story worth reading.
It takes only a couple of shakes.

QT Modern Corporate Gibberish of the Week:
Abila has acquired Avectra.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Mark Graham, a Chicago reader, writes:
“That was so cool. You used ‘tittering’ and ‘flaccid’ in the same column.”
QT wasn’t able to include a Politico column noting that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) had matriculated at both Princeton and Harvard.

Write to QT at

QT appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday.