Monthly Archives: April 2019

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Rabbit, run


News Headline: “Eggcellent Easter fun.”
News Headline: “An eggstremely fun Easter!”
News Headline: “Easter eggcitement!”
Stop it.
Stop it now.
But Happy Easter!

This just in. . . .


News Headline: “Ann Arbor OKs plan to keep parasite out of city’s water.”
Wait.
Isn’t that socialism?

From the QT news ticker


News Headline:
“Can taxing the rich pay for Medicare-for-All?”
News Headline: “Trump: Am I being audited because I’m a Christian?”
News Headline: “Could an incompleteness in quantum mechanics lead to our next scientific revolution?”
News Headline: “Is Trump mad at Fox News?”
News Headline: “The party of Islamophobia?”
Yes, no, yes and no, lover’s spat, guess which.
See how easy?

QT Planetary Defense Coordination Office


News Headline:
“Massive asteroid will pass closer to Earth than the moon, NASA warns.”
That would be Asteroid 2019 GC6.
It is passing today.
But let’s not get carried away.
The last time an asteroid passed between Earth and the moon was almost six days ago.
And that asteroid was the first to pass between Earth and the moon in 12 days before that.
And nothing–not a single asteroid passing between Earth and the moon–for three days before that.
So can we stop it with the scare headlines?

QT loud guy at the end of the bar update


News Headline: “Michele Bachmann hails ‘godly’ Trump.”
Add God to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.
News Headline: Donald Trump’s schedule is not overloaded.”
But understatement is alive and well.

Our long national nightmare in the news


News Headline: “Donald Trump on Mueller’s appointment: This is the end of my presidency. I’m f—–d.’ ”
There is an old saying.
Nothing good happens fast.

Frontiers of science


News Headline: “Astronomers watch a donut rotate around a massive black hole.”
News Headline: “Antarctic meteorite tells the tale of an asteroid that ate a comet.”
So the universe remains a vast, cold and indifferent place.
But tasty.

In other news. . . .


News Headline: “Stalin’s approval rating among Russians hits record high.”
Make Russia Great Again.

Par for the coarse


News Headline: “Supreme Court justices do verbal gymnastics to avoid saying ‘vulgar’ name of fashion brand.”
That would be the FUCT brand.
Good prep for any future appeals from the TRUMP brand.

Second Amendment solutions in the news


News Headline: “Stricter gun laws linked to safer schools.” 
News Headline:20 years after Columbine, school safety still eludes us.”
Maybe if we take another 20 years and think real hard. . . .