Columnist, Humorist, Author
You are probably wondering:
What will be the first asteroid of spring?
And now we have the answer.
Astronomers have announced the discovery of Asteroid 2019 EA2.
It will pass between Earth and the moon sometime Friday.
But rest assured, nothing else is headed our way.
That we know of.
News Headline: “Donald Trump still won’t name ‘white terrorism.’ ”
So the time has come.
We need a complete shutdown of white Christians entering the United States.
And keep an eye out for caravans of Trump supporters.
News Headline: “Is the Russia investigation really another Watergate?”
News Headline: “Are Trump’s failures the GOP’s gain?”
News Headline: “Is Vice President Mike Pence a decent guy?”
News Headline: “Are Trump voters too stupid to see his broken promises?”
News Headline: “Is civility under siege?”
Yes, no, no, sometimes, who wants to know.
See how easy?
News Headline: “Resistant bacteria cause stubborn infections.”
News Headline: “Rush Limbaugh gets contract extension.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.
Beware the ides of National Optimism Month.
And March.
News Headline: “Kim lets Trump know their ‘mysteriously wonderful’ chemistry isn’t enough.”
It was too hot not to cool down.
The CIA’s Style Manual and Writers Guide for Intelligence Publications wants you to know:
+ ” ‘Data,’ ‘media,’ ‘criteria,’ ‘phenomena’ are plural and require plural verbs. . . . One never satisfies a criteria or observes a phenomena.”
+ “ ‘All right.’ Never ‘alright.’ ”
+ “ ‘Different from’ is correct; ‘different than’ is not.”
+ “ ‘Hanged’ is the past tense of hang when referring to an execution; ‘hung’ is the proper past tense in all other meanings.”
And keep in mind as you write:
You may be subject to enhanced editing.
WRITE TO QT: qt@zaysmith.com
News Headline: “Milky Way tips the scales at 1.5 trillion solar masses.”
But the galaxy carries it well.
News Headline: “Two associates of ex-Trump national security adviser Flynn indicted on conspiracy charges.”
Note to editors:
It is not news when Donald Trump associates are indicted.
It is not even news when associates of Donald Trump associates are indicted.
It is not even news when associates of Donald Trump ex-associates are indicted.
It is news when they aren’t.
News Item: “. . . Compared to a London double-decker bus, the asteroid could be up to 18 times longer. Even at the lower end of the scale, the colossal asteroid is still 30 times longer than a queen-size bed and nearly 17 times longer than a Volkswagen Beetle. . . .”
Or would hold 107,354,110,500 cans of soda.
Give or take.
If you are still trying to visualize it.