Monthly Archives: February 2016

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From the QT police blotter

Rubber Mallet
News Headline: “Robbery suspect with meat cleaver thwarted by victim with rubber mallet, police say.”
As we all know:
The only way to stop a bad guy with a meat cleaver is with a good guy with a rubber mallet.
Ask the National Rubber Mallet Association.

Breaking news. . . .

Drunk Monkey
News Headline: “Drunk monkey armed with knife chases bar patrons.”
A reminder that these things happen in threes.

QT loud guy at the end of the bar update

Donald Trump
News Headline: “Trump: I ‘always felt that I was in the military’ at military school.”
News Headline: “Trump in ’97: Avoiding VD while sleeping around similar to serving in Vietnam.”
As we hear again from the face Gen. Patton never had the chance to slap.

A new leaf

Rolling Papers
News Headline: ” ‘Rolling Papers’: A trip through Colorado’s pot experience.”
News Headline: “Colorado ranks second-highest for a good night’s sleep.”
K.W., a Denver reader, says these two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

WRITE TO QT:  qt@zaysmith.com

This just in. . . .

Cruz Fast
News Headline: “Glenn Beck: ‘Join me’ in fasting for Cruz and country.”
To the supporters of Ted Cruz:
You should stop eating until further notice.
Don’t worry.
We’ll get back to you.

QT 2016 vote count countdown update

Top Five

The top five Republican presidential candidates in the final NBC News/Wall Street Journal/Marist South Carolina poll:
Donald Trump            28 percent
Ted Cruz                     23 percent
Marco Rubio               15 percent
Jeb Bush                     13 percent
John Kasich                  9 percent
A historic achievement may be about to take place.
If the poll holds up, South Carolina Republicans will manage to vote for the candidates in exactly inverse order to their merit.
QT has done some research.
This would be more than a upside-down perfecta.
More than a upside-down trifecta.
More than a upside-down superfecta.
This would be be an upside-down jackpot super hi-five.
We take our perfection where we can find it.

QT Midwest New Madrid Fault, where the most recent earthquakes two centuries ago changed the course of the Mississippi River and toppled chimneys as far away as Maine, although geologists say there is only a 10 percent chance of a major quake in the next 50 years, which includes any moment now, update

Civil Air Patrol
The Civil Air Patrol has set up a mission base at the Bonne Terre Airport in Missouri to be closer to the New Madrid Fault.
A spokesman said it was “because of the whole earthquake issue we are preparing for all the time.”
Not that anyone should be concerned in any way.

Civilization as we know it in the news

New Yorker
News Headline: “Amazon’s ‘The New Yorker Presents,’ and the future of magazines as television.”
. . . not to mention the future of reading as staring vacantly.

It seems to add up

Higher Math
Gary Duffala, a Rio Rancho, N.M., reader, regarding QT’s mention that zero is a number, writes:
“Zero is not a number. It’s a place holder.  If zero were a number, then 0/0 would equal 1. No?”
QT has consulted with the faculty of the Northwestern University Department of Mathematics:
+ “Zero is a number. However, division is defined only when you divide by a non-zero number, hence 0/0 is not defined.”
+ “I don’t know of any mathematician claiming that zero is not a number, but in the end it depends on how you define ‘number.’ ”
QT consulted for a simple reason.
It knows squat about higher mathematics.
Squat being a number, also

WRITE TO QT:  qt@zaysmith.com

Lest we forget that the Dark Ages were a faith-based initiative

Bible Reference
The Idaho Senate Education Committee has given preliminary approval to a bill permitting public schools to use the Bible as a reference text in science classes.