Sadie Robertson of the Duck Dynasty on being named runner-up this week on “Dancing with the Stars”:
“I just want to say I’m so thankful to God who has brought me this far. . . .”
Add omnipotence to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.
News Headline: “Santa Claus robs Australian post office.”
News Headline: “Woman punches off-duty cop at Indianapolis mall.”
News Headline: “Holiday gun sales threaten to overwhelm background-check system.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Happy (QT offers this statement without representation or warranty as to the effects or repercussions thereof upon any and all persons who might elect to celebrate the holiday as represented therein and with the understanding that any persons taking such actions without such representation or warranty do so with the express understanding that they have agreed to indemnify and hold QT harmless from the effects thereof) Thanksgiving!
Rush Limbaugh regarding the message of Thanksgiving:
“The true story of Thanksgiving is how socialism failed. With all the–”
Oh, be quiet.
And while we’re at it, an annual reminder:
+ The thing below the turkey’s beak is the wattle.
+ The thing above the beak is a snood.
News Headline: “Travelers pack up and take off for Thanksgiving.”
And the Transportation Security Administration reminds airline passengers that they will not be allowed to carry ice picks, meat cleavers, swords, baseball bats, bows and arrows, firearms, axes, cattle prods, crowbars, saws, billy clubs, black jacks, brass knuckles, pepper spray, nunchucks, blasting caps, dynamite, plastic explosives. . . .
And Happy Thanksgiving!
News Headline: “Exploring amazing patterns left behind by drops of whiskey left drying in the tumbler.”
Physicists of the Complex Fluids Group of the Princeton University Department of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering explain that they are researching the effects of surface tension gradients in whiskey on its fluid dynamics.
That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it.
News Headline: “U.S. to leave more troops in Afghanistan than first planned–sources.”
Just think of them as advisers.
+ President Obama during a 2008 presidential debate:
“Now, Senator McCain suggests that somehow, you know, I’m green behind the ears. . . .”
+ President Obama at Monday public appearance:
“. . . for nearly a decade since I was a green-behind-the-ears freshman senator. . . .”
Except it isn’t “green behind the ears.”
It”s “wet behind the ears.”
C’mon, Mr. President.
This isn’t rocket surgery.
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News Headline: “Toxic chemicals skyrocket near fracking sites.”
News Headline: “Scientists see fracking as cause of earthquakes in heartland.”
News Headline: “Illinois clears the way for fracking.”
News Headline: “Federal plan allows fracking in national forest.”
There is always the upside.
Syfy network couldn’t plot its disaster movies without the help of government policy.