Monthly Archives: February 2014

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Life goes on. . . .

News Headline: “Global terrorism increasing.”
News Headline: “Climate change raises risk of species extinction.”
News Headline: “NASA says four of 715 newly discovered planets found might support life.”
And maybe one of those can get it right.

News Headline: “Senate GOP blocks veterans benefits bill.”
And isn’t it time we stopped throwing money at these freeloaders?

News Headline: “Donald Trump’s advice for Obama.”
All right. Let’s see.
Money + Cliff Clavin =

News Headline: “Health tip: Drinking live pig’s blood may cause worms in your brain.”
Consider yourself warned.

Cully Johnston, a Chicago reader, regarding news that Apple has shown interest in the car business, leading QT to wonder about possible Microsoft cars, writes:
“Heaven forbid trying to get the windows to work.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

News Headline: “Crocodiles can climb trees, study finds.”
News Headline: “Surfing crocodile closes Australian beach.”
We may want to keep a closer eye on stirrings in the crocodile community.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
S.L., a Chicago reader, wants you to know that “dour” rhymes with “fewer.”
Which reminds QT that “scone” rhymes with “gone.”
And can we remind ourselves too often that “err” rhymes with “fur”?
QT will continue to inveigle here.
Which rhymes with “beagle.”


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Work hard, play hard

News Item: “. . . bar tab from a 1787 farewell party in Philadelphia for George Washington just days before the framers signed off on the Constitution. . . 55 attendees drank 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, eight of whiskey, 22 of porter, eight of hard cider, 12 of beer and seven bowls of alcoholic punch. . . .”
Which helps explain the Second Amendment.

News Headline: “George W. Bush’s paintings are getting their own exhibit.”
As you’ll recall, he did some of his best work into corners.

News Headline: “Arizona Senate: Business owners can cite religion to refuse service to gays.”
R.M.., a Las Vegas reader, writes:
“If a locomotive engineer has a religion that says drinking alcohol is a sin, can he refuse to move a train carrying barley to a malting house that makes malt to be  sold to breweries to make beer?”
Yes.
And then he can go back to peeking into bedrooms.

QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
Qantas, which recently gave its CEO $1 million in bonuses, is preparing a major layoff of workers to cut costs.

Kentucky Democratic senatorial candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes regarding charges that she is an “empty dress”:
“That’s about as accurate as Mitch McConnell being a Chippendale dancer–”
Wait!
Do not let yourself visualize this.
Too late?
Sorry.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Jack Finarelli, a Falls Church, Va., reader, writes:
“You recently informed us that a hamlet is a village without a church. So what is a village without an idiot?”
Hard to say. It varies with Ted Nugent’s travel plans.
An imbecile is smarter than an idiot, but not as smart as a moron, as long as we’re at it.


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The audacity of inattention

News Headline: “Nun, 84, gets 3 years in prison for nuclear protest.”
News Headline: “Five years after Wall Street collapse, why is no one in jail?”
Because President Obama’s Justice Department is too busy prosecuting nuns, evidently.

News Headline: “Apple getting into the car business?”
A Microsoft car might be more exciting.
Never know when it was going to stop suddenly for no apparent reason.

T.M, a New York City reader, regarding QT’s wondering if the case of a man cited for carrying an AK-47 while dressed as a banana might be won on a peel, writes:
“Any judge who lets this mango should be impeached.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =
A man being arrested for assault in Livingston, Texas, asked police to “hold on a second” because he needed to get his crack pipe.

News Headline: “Snake-handling pastor dies after refusing treatment for snake-bite.”
News Headline: “Faith-healing couple sent to prison for death of second son.”
Prison is a solution.
Or why not simply require all faith-healers to handle snakes?

QT Modern Corporate Gibberish of the Week:
Optum has acquired Audax.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: “. . . hoisted by his own petard. . . .”
R.K., a Chicago reader wants you to know that a person isn’t hoisted by his own petard, but “hoist with his own petard.”
Ask William Shakespeare.
Or any petardier.


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While supplies last. . . .

News Headline: “U.S. faces clown shortage.”
News Headline: “Is Congress taking too much recess?”
Evidently.

A Canadian sports columnist on an upset of the Canadians in Olympic ice dancing:
“Strip away the sequins, wipe off the pancake makeup, delete the frozen-in-place smiles, and what’s left is a tawdry whore of a sport where the judges are the johns.”
Yes, but it’s such a graceful tawdry whore of a sport.

News Headline: “Kansas lawmakers propose anti-gay bill.”
News Headline: “Kansas bill would allow spanking that leaves marks.”
We already know that Kansas Republicans take a dim view of gay sex.
But don’t interfere with their S&M.

News Headline: “Sheriff’s deputy shoots man with machete.”
L.M., a Denver reader, wonders if the deputy knew the machete was loaded.

News Headline: “Insurance denies life-saving treatment for Md. man.”
The good news is we’re still staying clear of socialized medicine and the death panels.

News Headline: “11 naughty-sounding scientific names (and what they really mean): From Turdus Maximus to Pinus Rigida.”
Depend on QT to keep you up to date on science news.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
+ Bill Bouxsein, a Princeton, Ill., reader, regarding another reader’s noting that TV pundits seem to begin all their answers with the word “So,” writes:
“The word is ‘Look.’ Look, look at these shows, if you doubt me.”
+ Turning to the weather, T.F., a Luxemburg, Wis., reader, writes:
” ‘When all is said and done. . . .’ At what point were TV weathermen required to start using this phrase in describing the predicted results of a storm? What happened to ‘when it’s over’?”
So, look, when all is said and done. . . .


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Big Oil is here to help

News Headline: “Oil cleanup continues after pipeline spill south of Regina.”
News Headline: “North Dakota pipeline spill will take two years to clean up.”
Argument settled.
Oil pipelines create jobs.

News Headline: “24 percent of Americans don’t believe in global warming.”
News Headline: “1 in 4 Americans don’t know Earth orbits the sun.”
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

S.W., a Chicago reader, regarding QT’s wondering if the case of a man cited for carrying an AK-47 while dressed as a banana might be won on a peel, writes:
“Any talk of a peel is premature. The man hasn’t been tried by a jury of his pears.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.

We Have Seen the Present, and It Does Not Work:
The European Union is working to eliminate the word “bankruptcy” and replace it with”debt adjustment” to remove the stigma attached to a business that goes bankrupt.

News Headline: “Bull semen reported stolen from Virginia farm.”
Your day may not be going well, but at least you aren’t being sought by the police for stealing bull semen.

Today’s Birthdays: Michael Jordan, 51; Larry the Cable Guy, 51.
Coincidence?

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “DNA unlocks history of Americas: The baby buried 12 millennia ago is the ancestor of many of today’s native peoples.”
Rob Bligh, an Omaha, Neb., reader, writes:
“I believe that none of our ancestors died as babies.”
News Headline: “Jury reaches partial verdict in Florida killing over loud music.”
R.J., a Chicago reader, writes:
“I wonder how the jury reached any verdict with all that racket.”
Speaking of music, can it already be time for QT’s annual reminder that “forte,” when not referring to loudly played music, is pronounced FORT?
Evidently.


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Thinking back to
Pope Hilarius

News Headline: “Pope Francis, insult comic: Hailed for striking a gentler tone, the pope is actually the vicar of snark.”
We can only look forward to the moment:
Take my Curia–please!

News Headline: “Skier apologizes for topless pictures.”
Do the Olympics have everyone’s attention now?

News Headline: “Unemployment insurance blocked by Senate GOP.”
That was a week ago.
But rest assured, President Obama and the Democrats             have. . .  said a few indignant words and wandered away.
Or didn’t you think we could count on them?

News Headline: “Suicide bomb trainer in Iraq accidentally blows up his own class.”
In the current world of news, this qualifies as Today’s Chuckle.

QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
Barclays, which increased executive bonuses this year by 10 percent, announced it will lay off as many as 12,000 workers to lower costs.

News Headline: “Beaumont police cite man dressed as banana carrying AK-47.”
This will probably go to a higher court on a peel.

Beware the ides of National Boost Your Self-Esteem Month.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Gail Dean Cotton, a Chicago reader, writes:
“There appears to be a bylaw in the Televised Guest Pundits Union requiring that every response to a question start with ‘So. . . .’ ”
So. . . there we have it.


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QT is taking the day off. . .

and will resume Friday.

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