News Headline: “Does anything matter?” 
News Headline: “We’ll be lucky to survive all this.”
Can someone do something to cheer up our headline writers?

News Headline: “Sea level rise could claim Mar-a-Lago.”
Sometimes life is fair.

News Headline: “Scaramucci: “Trump in ‘mental decline.’ ”
News Headline: “No bottom in sight.
The two stories seemed to go together, for some reason.

News Headline: “Israel bars two U.S. Muslim lawmakers after Donald Trump calls
for move.”
A shame the lawmakers weren’t white supremacists.
Trump could have vouched for them.

News Headline: “Oak Park police nab suspected groper.”
Everywhere you look, people trying to be presidential.

CEO compensation has increased 940 percent since 1978.
Average worker pay has increased 12 percent.

News Headline: “GOP silent as another woman says Trump sexually assaulted her.”
News Headline: “Republican Steve King: If not for incest and rape, ‘would there be any population left?’ ”
But remember: 
The Republican Party is not pro-rape.
The Republican Party is soft on rape.

News Item: “. . .  some of the signs can be as long as about four Honda Accords. .  . .”
News Item: “. . . a sinkhole roughly the size of six to seven washing machines. . . .”
How deep is the sinkhole?
Not quite a Honda Accord deep.
Maybe half a Honda Civic deep.
If you are still trying to visualize it.

News Headline: “More than 100,000 sign online petition to rename street outside Trump Tower after Obama.”
That would be part of Fifth Avenue in New York City.
Which is a good start.
Then there  is Wabash Avenue at the Trump Tower in Chicago.
And Fashion Show Place at the Trump Tower in Las Vegas.
And. . . .

News Headline: “Trump weakens Endangered Species Act, which saved the bald eagle.”
As any good student of the species will tell you:
Donald Trump and the bald eagle are natural enemies.