News Headline: “Could the financial crisis happen again?”
News Headline: “Is Donald Trump’s downfall hidden in his tax returns?”
News Headline: “Are we on the verge of civil war?”
News Headline: “Has the Supreme Court lost its legitimacy?”
News Headline: “Democrats to the rescue?”
Yes, yes, no, getting there, not often.
See how easy?

News Headline: “EEOC sues Wal-Mart over disability harassment.”
News Headline: “EEOC sues Wal-Mart over pregnancy discrimination.”
So there are still a few government agencies Donald Trump hasn’t got his hands on.

News Headline: “In Peru, Hitler earns a ballot spot despite challenge from Lennin.”
As we finally locate a democracy that seems to be faring worse than ours.
But only seems to be.

Four asteroids were discovered in the first week of September as they passed between Earth and the moon.
Three asteroids were discovered in the second week as they passed between Earth and the moon.
Two asteroids–2018 SM and 2018 SC–were discovered in the third week as they passed between Earth and the moon.
So we’re getting safer and safer.

News Headline: “Bus drivers’ union threatens strike over driverless buses.”
Note to bus drivers threatening to protest driverless buses by leaving buses driverless:
Your strategy may need a little tweaking.

News Headline: “Evangelical leaders want Republicans to crucify Christine Blasey Ford.”
No. Crucifixion is a bit much, even for today’s Republicans.
News Headline: “Rape victim in India asked to balance heavy rock on head to prove her ‘purity.’ ”
There. That’s more like it.

News Headline: “Cuts to cancer research, Head Start and women’s shelters among $226 million diverted to pay for child detention.”
Somewhere the national anthem is being played.
Feel free to kneel on one knee.

News Headline: “Congressman jokes that Ruth Bader Ginsberg was molested by Lincoln.”
Quick.
Which party?
Just kidding.
We know there is only one party these days that can see the humor in sexual assault.

News Headline: “Trump urged Spain to build a wall across the Sahara to stop migrants.”
Spain has no plans to build a wall.
Spain isn’t that dim.
News Headline: “Trump blasts Congress over ‘ridiculous’ spending bill: ‘Where is the money for the wall?’ ”
And maybe, just maybe, neither are we.

News Headline: “Workplace mass shooting in Maryland is the third in 24 hours.”
Shock and sorrow, thoughts and prayers, flowers on sidewalks, and now repeat, shock and sorrow, thoughts and prayers, flowers on sidewalks, and now repeat, shock and sorrow, thoughts and. . . .